Same home for 17 years.

A lot of times students tend to get distracted in class. We stare off into space, just stop listening or just look out the window. Today as I was teacher aiding for a class I went into "lala land" and started staring out of the window. The scenery I had to look at was a perfect view of Woodland Park. I look at this town everyday, I live in this town and have since the day I was born.... And that's just the thing. I have lived in the same town everyday for the past 17 years. When you live somewhere for that long we all tend to start taking things that we see for granted. I can go to just about any given spot in Woodland Park and tell the story of a memory that I there. I can remember going to the local grocery store with my mom when I was like 4. and I can remember when the library was built. The majority of the movies I have seen in theaters, have been in our local to screen theater. Every last day of school since kintergarten I have spent at memorial park with my friends.
I've come to a realization that next year I won't be here. I have to go to somewhere new and make new memories with new friends. And as exciting as that sounds it scares me as well. Through my entire life I have had people kinda holding my hand, helping me do everything and decide the things I do.
Now I have to leave it all. Do everything by myself. And what if I mess something up? No one will be there to help me clean it up anymore. Everything I decide is what I decide and I always will have to live with it. And with that comes a lot of freedom but so much fear.
Above the excitment and the fear come sadness. I am sad to leave this place. I have been a lot of places like Jamaica and Africa and many states... But everytime I get to come home to Woodland Park. But as soon as I leave, this is no longer my home. And that saddens me. I won't know exactly where I'm driving, or where to get what. And the longer I stay away... The more the memories fade...

It's now my choice...

 About a month ago I went up to Fort Collins, Colorado to visit CSU. And after the tour, I decided to hang out with one of my friends, who brought me to parties. After about 5 different parties things got out of control and I decided it would be better to leave. And I did. But then, I found myself alone in a place I didn't know. I was lost, confused and cold.

The future has never been as scary as right now. Because my future is mine. No longer can anyone else choose where I go, what I do or who I am. As exciting as that sounds, at the same time it is beyond terrifying. The term "the IF in life" applies here. What IF I decide to go to college, or not to go to college, or to be a teacher, a dentist, an author. There are so many options and very little time. As I sit down on a daily basis and fill out application after application I open more and more options to myself, which is good but I'm just worried I will make the wrong decision. And IF I do make the wrong decision, no one will be there to clean it up for me. In last 17 years, I have always had someone holding my hand, telling me what to do and now all of a sudden, everyone walks away and I'm left standing there on my own with no idea where to go.

Servers being served

"I mean that I want us to help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me, and my faith will help you." -Romans 1:12

The first day in Ethiopia was already completely different than the place I had imagined. Once we got to the airport, Mogus, Mule and Deme were there with open arms to welcome 14 strangers... They took our bags and carried them all the way to the vans and then put them on the top for us... And after about a 30 minute drive we got to the YoungLife guest house, where the cook was waiting for us with open arms and an open table. Yalamok (our cook while we were at the YL guest house) had made us snacks! Doughnuts, cookies, eggrolls, and yes... even coffee! And as I was eating these delicious things I was thinking to myself... Wait a second. We're being treated like royalty. Aren't we supposed to be the ones serving them..?
It's true. We were supposed to be serving them, they knew that too. But it's just Ethiopian culture to serve, even when you're supposed to be the one being served. And I find that interesting because in America, if we were supposed to be served we'd let them serve us and do nothing for them in return.

I know for me at least, I was served in many more ways that just delicious snacks. My heart was served, as was my prespective on life. Which yes, sounds cliche but really it's true.

Seeing their faith, inspired me... They didn't have a promise for tomorrow, like most Americans do. They didn't even really have a promise for dinner that night and yet most of the people we met trusted completely in God to provide for them and then some. They have trianed their hearts to just so easily go where Christ is leading them... And to me that's really something.
I'm here, with everything I could really ever want. So just in case if I fell through with Christ I wouldn't loose everything. Like my saftey net I suppose. Not that God's plan would fall through but I'm just using this as a point. Ethiopians have nothing, and so if they follow God and it didn't work out, they could potentially have nothing as to where I'd have stuff. But that is the point. It's just stuff and they don't need that. And really neither do we although we think we do. They have such amazing faith in our God and that is where my heart and prespective were served.

One day we were driving on our way to camp and I was looking out the window and just saw this old man on the side of the road... And he looked so weak and helpless and my heart just hurt for him. And I thought the entire time left in the drive about it. I thought about how that man could have eneded up there, what happened to him? I thought about all the stories that man must have had. Stories that could lead me to do something incredible...

In Ethiopia I learned to look at the people who lived there and know that they all had a story to their life. They all had stuff happen to them, and a reason why they are where they are now. But now I'm learning to look at everyone that way. To not be so quick to judge but to learn where people are and learn why they're there. Even last night at a going away party for one of my friends who's going to college I looked at them all differently. These are all people i've known for quite a few years and I didn't ever once think to know they're story. To look beyond the laughs, to look beyond the jokes. But now my heart is to know, even though it's a little too late with them, but I know now that I can apply that to everyone I meet from now on. And not just know who they put out to be, but to get to know the real them and have a real relationship with them. Just like the Ethiopians wanted to do with us.

God uses the weak to lead the strong.

Opening my heart to their words

 To trust in God is a big comitment, not to mention a hard task to do. However... What if it's all you can do?

Before I left to Ethiopia, I was very distracted from God and my time with Him. I'd be praying and get a text, press pause on my conversation with God and reply to whomever had texted me. And if I do that with God, of course I did it with people. In the middle of a conversation, ears half on them and eyes fully on my phone. I wasn't the only one either, it's simply how our culture is and how technology has effected us.

But in Ethiopia we couldn't use our phones. Well... really we could, if we wanted to pay $200 a phone call. So we didn't. What I noticed is that the relationships we found there grew so much more fast, strong and real, which is why it was much harder to leave them there after just two weeks then it would ever be to leave someone here after just two weeks. In Ethiopia, people actually listened when we spoke, and we learned to listen to them.

Listening to the Ethiopians was so powerful. That's not what I expected either since there is such a big langage barrier. I expected to just guess at what they were saying, smile and nod. But then... I realized the effort they were putting in to speak english to me, just because they wanted to talk to me. Because they wanted to listen to me. Given, most of them knew more english than I did amahric I was inclined to put in just as much effort. I no longer wanted to assume what they were saying, but to actually know and understand and listen to what they were saying. Their words sounded different, and not because they pronounced english words funny. But because they seemed like they were from a different place....
Like, when we got told we were beautiful. It wasn't because they wanted something from us... it was because they thought we were beautiful. And what was special about this in specific, was we didn't all exactly look our best. Messy hair, little to no make up, greasy hair, unmatching clothes and they STILL said we were Konjo (beautiful) and they meant it, because it did come from a place of realness, of being genuine. Something we've lost in America....

At YoungLife camps, the last night you get an intense talk and you can decide to follow Christ or not. And being helpers we didn't have to stay and listen, mostly because we couldn't understand Amharic. Still about 5 of us stayed. And as we were sitting there listening to what sounded like jiberish I prayed. I prayed for those words to go into every kids heart in that room and that they would just speak to them. And I kinda heard myself telling myself to listen... So I listened and nothing. But I kept listening and I heard english in my head, something like what I imagined the talk being about. And afterwards I went up to Moji, our main leader and asked him what they talk was about. And it happened to be very similar to those words I herd in my head.

So I learned that God doesn't just speak one language. He speaks all languages, which I knew before but now I realize it. And you don't have to understand the person talking if you're listening for God's words.

A way to say it, without speaking...

When people think third world country... They typically think: Starving Children, Hunger, Disease, Pain... Bad things. That's what I think about too, really.
However, if I learned one thing during my time in Ethiopia- It was how to love. And it has to take someone who knows how to love to teach someone to love. And it wasn't like..."oh you're in my life so I am obligated to love you"..... It was "God created you and you'r beautiful and I love you just because and I will no matter what"
And when I think of this... I think how can people who are so hurt, and have so little love so much? And I've been praying about it. I realized that that's how we're supposed to love. We shouldn't love because someone gives us money, or because of how they dress or how popular they are. Instead, we should love because it's how we were made. We were made to love. Love conquors everything, so for the people of Ethiopia- it conquores the pain, the hunger, the suffering.
I know for me... To love this way isn't easy. Here in America, we have so much that we have adapted to the concept of a fake love. It's so easy to see this in my day to day life. For example, I have trouble loving my own father for the sake of just loving him. Yeah, I love him because he's my father, but also because he buys me things and he lets me do what I want. I think we all have these in our lives.
Before we went to Ethiopia, our team shared what we wanted to learn from the experience of going. Caitlin said "I want to learn to say I love you, without actually saying it." And I remember sitting there... thinking "how is that even possible?" I could not come up with any way to do so. But now I see. However, it isn't something that can be described, it's something that you just do I think. They do things like, hold hands and put their arms around eachother, not necisarily in a romantic way either. Actually, most of the time it's not in a romantic way. It isn't uncommon to see two, three, four guys walking down the road holding hands. That isn't weird there. Personally, my love language is physical touch so to me that was awesome and I loved it. And that's just one way.
A language barrier was obviously a huge struggle in the relationships that we built there. Before, it didn't make sense to me that you couldn't just say you loved someone if you wanted to. But if someone there came up to me and said "Ewadahallow" to me, before I knew what it meant... I would be really confused and it wouldn't have the same effect. So I think that's where the affection and other ways of showing love really helped me grow.
To be loved just because and unconditionally did something to my heart. I've never had that before and now I do. I learned that that is how we're supposed to be loved and more importantly that is how our God loves us.
So my challenge for myself, and anyone who is willing to take this on"
Recognize the relationships that don't have the love like this. And search for a way to love them like we're supposed to. Find a way to say you love them without the words.

What Now?

Have you ever had an expierience that is indescribable, especially while you're in the midst of it? But then afterwards- you don't know what to do with it? I seem to have a lot of these.
     A little over two weeks ago I set off on an adventure. One that I felt as if I was blindfolded on. This is because I had no idea of what to expect or of what I would be doing and expieriencing. This was really hard for me because personally, I like control and I like to know what i'm going to be doing. Furthermore, I wasn't exactly the best of friends with anyone on this trip so I really didn't have anyone to cling to. I felt as if I was the new girl at a school of people who have been friends since kintergarten. I put on a forged face of "this is all fine, I know you all and I wanna be your best friend." However, in reality I was timid and nervous. So, on July 25th I sucked it up, I put on my big girl pants and climbed on a plane to Ethiopia- a world of the unknown.

   I'll save all the stories for a later blog, but... in short- my heart has been transformed and is now a new thing to me. Something that I am having difficulties figuring out myself. Returning has been difficult becaue I don't know what to do. I feel as though I expierienced all of that but now i'm coming home and living life as I did before. Which is the hard part, because that isn't what I wanted to happen. Which is why I've started this blog- To share what i'm doing with what I learned, with what I saw, herd and lived in Ethiopia. In addition to what God is doing with all of that, and where He brings me next!